I want to make a zoo with you.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
