He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
