I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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