my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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