there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
