mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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