I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
