Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
