I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
