Your mouth is God's brothel.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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