you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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