Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
