I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
