I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
