so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
