His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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