id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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