What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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