i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
