I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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