Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sext me about skeletons
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
