either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize
