I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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