I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
