You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
