I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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