do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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