normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
