No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
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My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
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Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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