My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize