I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
