I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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