after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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