: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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