new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
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I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
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I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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