I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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