I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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