I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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