Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
