He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
