the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
