Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
