i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
