You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
