I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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