Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
