She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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