i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
