Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
