yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
