Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
why do cheetos always look like penises
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
