Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
