My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
