if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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