somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
