I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
