I want to stick my p in your. b.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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