im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
false alarm. still invincible.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
