We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
