I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
